How to Avoid Becoming an Abusive or Neglectful Parent

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This is Part 3 of a series of 5. To read Part 1, click here.

At the heart of all forms of child abuse is the unconscious reenactment of trauma for the purposes of ridding ourselves of the shame and fear attached to child maltreatment and neglect and our attempts to master unresolved issues with our parents and other caretakers. Child neglect is primarily caused by a parent’s inability to emotionally bond with his or her child, again a direct reaction to having oneself been neglected as a child.

Research shows that the long-term effects of trauma (such as abuse in childhood) tend to be most obvious and prominent when people are stressed, in new situations, or in situations that remind them of the circumstances of their trauma. Unfortunately, becoming a parent creates all three of these circumstances. First-time parenthood is stressful and almost always triggers memories of our own childhood traumas. This sets the stage for child abuse.

What Are the Characteristics of a Good Parent?

Although there isn’t a “good parent” personality, there are certain personality characteristics or traits that most good parents have in common. These traits are:

• Patience
• Flexibility
• Tolerance for intrusion
• The ability to put oneself aside for prolonged periods of time without experiencing deep resentment or anger

Patience

Some of us are more patient than others. Those who are patient don’t mind waiting in a grocery checkout line or getting stuck on the freeway quite as much as those who are impatient. It’s not that these people don’t feel inconvenienced or even frustrated. It’s just that they are able to take it in stride more than those who tend to be impatient.

An inpatient person, on the other hand, has little tolerance for waiting. They tend to be goal-oriented and some tend to be a bit controlling, resenting anything that gets in the way of achieving their goals. Instead of begrudgingly accepting a delay, their tension increases every minute they have to wait.

Parenting requires patience. Children do things slowly. They dawdle and daydream and do things the wrong way. They make messes that take time to clean up. They seem to have the uncanny ability to create a delay of some kind whenever their parents are in a hurry. It is impatient, goal-oriented parents who tend to become the most frustrated with their children. This frustration can, in turn, cause parents to become controlling and even abusive.

Flexibility

Parents also need to be flexible. It simply isn’t possible for parents to plan or exert the same control over their lives once they have a child.

Flexible people have an easier time choosing which battles are worth fighting and which are not. This goes a long way in parenting. Parents who are flexible find it easier to give their children choices in regard to small things, which then makes it easier for them to accept unilateral decisions when they occur. Overall, this makes for greater parent/child cooperation. And of course, raising a child is an unpredictable endeavor in the long run and this presents difficulties for those who like to be in control.

Tolerance for Intrusion

Becoming a parent also means giving up your physical and emotional space. This can be especially difficult for those who were neglected or abused as children. Children are by nature intrusive, climbing all over you, interrupting your conversations and your work, insisting on your attention. And the greatest intrusion of all, the noise that children inevitably and quite naturally make, epitomizes the feeling of being intruded upon. The decibel level of life automatically rises around even the best-behaved child.

Parents must learn to endure a cacophony of sound, ranging from ear-piercing crying and yelling to the irritating beeps and crashes of video games and the repetitious singing of Sesame Street songs. As my client Naomi told me, “I know I can’t have kids. I can’t even stand to be around them for very long—all the noise drives me crazy.”

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For some, the idea of sharing their physical and emotional space with a child on a full-time basis creates a feeling of claustrophobia. The truth is, some people have temperaments and histories that make them super-sensitive to intrusion. If you are one of the people who require privacy and uninterrupted time for your well-being, parenting is likely to be far too stressful for you. In addition, some parents end up feeling emotionally smothered by their children and this can mirror the experience they had with their parents.

The Ability to Put Oneself Aside

Parenthood requires sacrifices both great and small. On a daily basis, parents must put their own needs and desires aside for the sake of their children. Some people are able to make meeting their child’s needs their top priority and are happy to do so. For these people, gratification far outweighs any feelings of frustration, deprivation, anger, or resentment.

Others, however, have problems with such extreme self-sacrifice. This is especially true for those who did not get their own emotional needs met as a child. For these people, the idea of sacrificing themselves to their children can bring up a great deal of pain and resentment toward their own parents. If these people choose to have children, they risk projecting that resentment onto their children.

Some simply cannot put their own needs aside to raise a child because their own needs are too great. Some were so deprived or neglected as children that they find it difficult to respond to other people’s needs, as was the situation with my client Laura: “I have too many needs myself. I still long to be nurtured and held the way I should have been as a child. I’m still looking for a mother.”

The Key Skills of Good Parenting

Other traits and abilities necessary in order to be a good parent are the ability to:

• Emotionally bond with your child
• Handle stress in a positive way
• Find appropriate outlets for your negative emotions
• Get your own needs met by the adults in your life instead of expecting your child to meet them
• Have reasonable expectations of your child
• Love your child unconditionally (to dislike his behavior but love the child)
• Be willing and able to devote a great deal of time and energy to taking care of your child’s needs without taking your anger out on your child or inducing guilt in your child
• Feel protective of your child
• Allow your child the space and encouragement to grow into his or her own unique person

If you do not have many of these traits, you may choose to postpone parenthood until you have worked on yourself further. If you already have children, I would strongly suggest you work on obtaining these important traits. This may involve seeking therapy to work on making up for the deficits you experience as a consequence of neglect and learning ways to complete your unfinished business with your parents (telling yourself the truth about the abuse you experienced, releasing your anger in healthy ways).

Specific Strategies to Help You Avoid Becoming Abusive to Your Children

1. Have reasonable expectations of your children. Expecting children to act in ways that are beyond their emotional or physical maturity, expecting children to never make mistakes, and demanding absolute obedience are primary examples of unreasonable expectations that parents can have.

2. Practice alternative discipline and problem-solving strategies in order to make discipline decisions less reactive and harsh. Those parents who do not have these skills readily available to them tend to resort to spanking or even harsher forms of punishment. Advocates for corporal punishment argue that it is the most effective way of teaching children to respect their elders and to learn important lessons. But what a beaten child really learns is to fear his parents, to play down his own pain, and to feel guilty. In the long run, it has been found that the exertion of force merely serves to reinforce aggressive behavior on the part of children and adolescents.

3. State clear family rules and reasons for expected behaviors. This includes “dos” and “don’ts” –for example, what are respectful behaviors and what are not. Make sure your child is clear what the rules and expectations are and be consistent about them.

4. Don’t assume that your child intentionally misbehaves or that your child is “bad.” This belief is at the heart of many forms of child abuse. Parents who basically can’t trust their children or who assume their children are “bad” end up emotionally abusing them in one of the most devastating ways—by damaging their basic trust and belief in themselves.

5. Don’t take things too personally. Parents and would-be parents need to understand that their child isn’t deliberately trying to anger them or embarrass them by making a mistake. For example, their baby isn’t crying or trying to purposely anger them or to keep them from watching television. He or she is probably hungry, or hot, or needs a clean diaper.

6. Learn from your parents’ mistakes.

Exercise: Avoiding Your Parents’ Mistakes

• Make a list of your parents’ mistakes/behaviors that you don’t want to repeat with your children.
• Create a plan for how you are going to accomplish this.
• Notice any resistance/negative beliefs you have that might prevent you from accomplishing your plan. Make a list of these negative, limiting beliefs.
• Challenge these old negative beliefs by creating new ones that will empower you toward your goal. List the positive steps you’ve already taken toward your goal.
• Don’t expect perfection. Learn from your mistakes instead of allowing them to sabotage your progress.

By following the guidelines offered in this post (further guidelines are offered in my book, Breaking the Cycle), you truly can break the cycle of abuse. You do not have to treat your children the way you were treated.